When the responsibilities of elder caregiving fall to one person in a family it can mean overload for that individual and missed opportunities for involvement by others. A “family meeting” of all potential caregivers can help ensure that caregiving is a group project rather than a solo one.
It’s helpful to hold a family meeting as soon as possible after care needs arise. Invite everyone who is concerned and affected by care decisions: relatives, partners, and perhaps close friends. It’s tempting to exclude a family member because of personality or family history, but it’s important to include everyone, even if they’re difficult. And, of course, if the elder is able to participate, he or she should have the biggest say in how care needs are met.
Try to hold the meeting in a neutral location with few distractions. If the family is spread out and unable to come together, “meet” by email, in a private web chat room, through telephone conferencing, or by Skype. At the meeting, concentrate on current concerns rather than on past issues in order to create a more positive and solution-focused atmosphere. Everyone should have the chance to express feelings and offer suggestions without being criticized. Make a list of all the caregiving tasks and identify what each person can do, while encouraging everyone to be honest about their limitations. Consider having each person take on a different area of caregiving: for instance, one person can take the elder to appointments, and another can pay bills. Finish with a written plan that specifies what each person will do and when they’ll do it.
There’s likely to be some conflict. Family members often have different perceptions about an elder’s needs and how care should be provided. It may help to bring in a counselor, social worker, or clergy member to facilitate the meeting.
With some effort, caregiving truly can be a family affair: the productive collaboration of everyone who cares about an elder loved one.
~ Emily Cooper is Information and Referral Specialist for Caregiver Programs with Boulder County Area Agency on Aging, a Division of Community Services. For more information on BCAAA caregiver services, call 303-678-6116 or email InfoCaregiver@bouldercounty.org/.