I often talk to people who are frustrated by an older loved one’s resistance to accepting help. They want to ensure the safety of the person they love, but that person has every right to refuse assistance. What is the answer?
It’s important to try to put yourself in your loved one’s shoes. It can be difficult for anyone to admit that we’re getting older and may not be able to function as we once did. Some choose to deny that change—or that our daily life needs to change. Accepting change and allowing help can feel like the first steps to losing control, to other people governing our choices and perhaps to the relinquishment of living on our own.
It can help to start an open discussion with your loved one by reviewing and acknowledging their strengths—everything that has helped them deal with life’s challenges up to now. Then ask them what they want for the rest of their life, which is likely to be staying in their own home, being as independent as possible, and feeling valued. Once you’ve truly listened, you can assure your loved one that you want to help them fulfill their goals rather than to force your wishes upon them. It is important to be honest in that you can’t predict the future or know the type or level of care they eventually may require. You can only say that you will help as you can, for as long as you can, to enable them to live as they choose. You also must be honest about your own limitations. If your loved one is assuming that you will provide any and all help that may be needed, but you are not able to do that, you must clearly tell them so.
Once you have demonstrated respect for your loved one’s right to choose, they may be willing to accept a small amount of assistance, and that first step can lead to greater supports as time goes on. But, ultimately, wether or not to accept help is your loved one’s choice, unless they’ve been declared incapable of making their own decisions. Though their choice may be difficult to accept, you may have to for now. In time, or as their situation changes, they may be willing to revisit the issue. Until then, lear what you can about local resources so you’re prepared to provide information once your loved one is ready to hear it.
~ Emily Cooper is Information and Referral Specialist for Caregiver Programs with Boulder County Area Agency on Aging, a Division of Community Services. For more information on BCAAA caregiver services, call 303-678-6116 or email InfoCaregiver@bouldercounty.org/.